She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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