do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
