Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
