We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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