two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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