The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
