you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
