if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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