i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
