Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
