Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
