hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize