She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
40s are totally the cure
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
