it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
