i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
