Heybabeimwearingurpanties
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
