Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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