Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
