Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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