I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
