Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
