I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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