Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
