Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
