I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
