Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
