Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize