so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize