He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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