If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
