2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
