need another drink. this is the easiest way
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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