so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
