3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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