do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
