i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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