Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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