Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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