oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
