god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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