i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
