My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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