take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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