Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
