I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize