and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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