Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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