Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
