I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
