your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're a waste of cheezeits
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
