I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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