i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
