I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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