my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
