i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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