I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
