i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize