There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
