I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
